Coping While They're Away: A Guide for Military Spouses and Service Members During Deployment
For military families, a deployment is a profound and unique challenge. It’s a period of immense change, where the rhythms of daily life are suddenly upended, and both partners face a new reality. The emotional journey is a blend of pride and fear, independence and loneliness, and it affects every facet of a service member’s and their family’s life.
This guide is designed to provide compassionate strategies for coping for both the spouse on the homefront and the service member who is deployed, regardless of your family’s specific dynamic or support system.
The Unique Emotional Landscape of Deployment
The emotions surrounding deployment are complex and can be overwhelming. They are often a mix of:
Anticipatory Stress: The anxiety and sadness leading up to the departure.
The "Honeymoon" Phase: A short period right after they leave that can feel like a brief reprieve from the stress, often followed by a crash.
Loneliness & Isolation: The deep sense of absence in your home and daily life.
Heightened Anxiety: Constant worry about your partner's safety, which can be compounded by news reports or social media.
The "Deployment Wall": A tendency to emotionally shut down to protect yourself from the pain of absence.
Guilt: Feeling guilty for having a good day while your partner is in harm's way, or for feeling relieved to have some space.
These are all normal and valid responses to an abnormal situation.
Building Your Foundation: Strategies for Both Partners
Regardless of your family dynamic, a strong foundation of self-care and structure is crucial for getting through deployment.
Create a New Routine (and Be Flexible!):
For the Spouse at Home: When your partner leaves, your old routine goes with them. Create a new one that works for you. This could be as simple as scheduling "Me Time" or having a set plan for mealtimes. The key is to be flexible.
For the Deployed Service Member: Establish a new daily routine that includes work, physical activity, and downtime. This structure can provide a sense of control and normalcy in a chaotic environment.
Prioritize Self-Care (It’s Not Selfish):
For Both: Self-care is a non-negotiable part of your deployment survival kit. It's what keeps you running. This can be anything from a quiet cup of coffee, a walk, or a creative outlet.
For the Spouse at Home: This might mean scheduling a playdate so you can have 30 minutes alone, or taking a moment to breathe in the car before you go into the house.
For the Deployed Service Member: This might mean finding time to read, listen to music, or exercise.
Honor the Need for Both Connection and Solitude:
When You're Lonely: Actively seek out connection. Call a friend, join a military spouse group, or schedule a virtual coffee with someone who understands.
When You're Overwhelmed: It’s okay to crave solitude. Give yourself permission to have a quiet evening or to close the door for 10 minutes.
Remaining Connected Despite the Distance
Maintaining a strong connection is a shared responsibility that requires intentional effort from both partners.
Be Creative with Communication:
Schedule Regular Check-ins: Establish a schedule for phone calls or video chats, acknowledging that times may be unpredictable.
Letters and Care Packages: Don't underestimate the power of physical mail. A handwritten letter or a thoughtful care package can be a tangible reminder of love and connection.
Share Your Days (Both the Good and the Bad): It’s okay to share your struggles and your triumphs. This helps both partners feel like they're still a part of each other's lives.
Navigate Communication Pitfalls:
"The Re-entry Gap": It's common for the service member to feel they've been forgotten and the spouse on the homefront to feel that the deployed partner doesn't understand the hardships of their daily life. Avoid making assumptions about each other's experiences.
Avoid "Topic Tripping": Try to avoid discussing emotionally charged topics via email or text, which can easily lead to misunderstandings. Save important conversations for video or phone calls.
The "Don't Worry Me" Trap: The deployed service member may want to protect their spouse from the dangers they are facing, and the spouse on the homefront may want to protect their partner from the difficulties they are navigating alone. This can lead to a lack of genuine communication and a feeling of being disconnected.
Talk About Expectations: Discuss what you each need from the other during communication. For the service member, it might be knowing the family is safe. For the spouse at home, it might be a simple check-in to know they're okay.
Find a New Purpose:
For Both: This can be a powerful time for personal growth. Reconnect with old hobbies, take a class, or advance your career.
The Critical Role of Your "Village" (Or Lack Thereof)
If You Have a Strong Support System: Lean on them. Be direct in your requests for help: "Can you bring dinner over on Tuesday?" or "Can you watch the kids for an hour?" People often want to help but don't know how.
If You Are in a New Area with Little-to-No Support: This can be the most challenging situation. It’s vital to be proactive in building a new community.
Connect Online: Join military spouse groups on social media (e.g., local groups for your base or location).
Utilize Community Resources: Look for meetups or groups at your local community center, library, or gym.
Find Your People: Find a trusted person to be your "accountability partner"—someone who can check in on you regularly.
The Role of Professional Support
If you're finding that the emotional weight of deployment is too heavy to carry alone, professional support can be an invaluable resource. A therapist can provide a safe, confidential space to:
Process Complex Emotions: Work through the unique blend of pride, fear, guilt, and loneliness.
Develop a Coping Toolkit: Build personalized strategies for managing anxiety, stress, and isolation.
Prepare for Reintegration: Help you and your partner navigate the emotional and relational changes that occur when they return home.
At Summit Mental Wellness, I specialize in supporting military service members and their families, honoring the nuances and complexities inherent in military life. You are not alone in this journey.
